it takes the tour three days to cross the river from cambridge to brookline, because we are doing it oregon trail style. if you are the median age of my readership or younger, you are probably thinking i mean the actual trail. no. i am talking about the dope-ass video game from the 1990s. you'd have trouble fording rivers, you'd try to shoot animals for meat, everyone in your family would die of cholera or dysentery but it would be hilarious because you had named them all things like Captain Butt. anyway, please come to this event. i will be reading from THE HATERS and then signing copies and i will try extra hard to remember to wear my oregon trail-themed hipster t-shirt.