haarlemmer kerk

this church was in haarlem, a town west of amsterdam. haarlem is apparently the source of the Most Powerful Easterly-Blowing Wind In The Entire World, and biking from amsterdam to haarlem with one’s slightly-less-powerful-thighed-than-one girlfriend is a superb way to put great strain on an already fragile relationship.

12:30pm. “this wind is incredible!” “i know! i can barely hear myself laughing gaily over it! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” “WHEEEEEE.” “yes, wheeeee.”

12:50pm. “babe, is there any chance you could… um.” “could what.” “could maybe go a bit faster.” “no.”

1:01pm. “it’s actually harder for me to go at this pace, rather than faster, because—” “HUH. PERHAPS YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.”

1:07pm. “take your time then. take… your… time. just moseyin’ along. yessir.” “WHAT I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE WIND.” “just… moseyin’… ohjesuschristgofasterjesus.”

1:18pm. “HOW ON EARTH ARE YOU SO SLOW AND WEAK. HOW ON EARTH. HOW.”

1:37pm. “you know what? you can just go on ahead. just go. just fucking go.” “maybe i—oh, so we’re walking. we’re walking bikes now.” “YOUR IDEAS ARE TERRIBLE. THEY ARE ALWAYS TERRIBLE.” “it’s good, that we’re walking bikes. i was hoping we’d get to do that.” “THEY ARE SO CONSISTENTLY TERRIBLE THAT YOU SHOULD WORK FOR FEMA.”

1:39pm. crying.

2:04pm. “is that haarlem? i think that’s haarlem! we’re done.” “that is a fucking cow, you fuck.” “fuck you.” “fuck.”

2:05pm. icy silence.

2:31pm. “it occured to me that early, when you were laughing gaily, it should have been gale-ly. because—” “EVERY WORD YOU UTTER IS A THUMBTACK IN MY BUTTOCK.”

2:45pm. “what—” “THUMBTACK.”

3:22pm. “if—” “BUTTOCK.”