do not populate my mouth and thoughts with your maudlin awfulness

i had difficulty ordering breakfast this morning.

me: i’ll take, um… that.
bagel-dispensing teenager: WHICH BAGEL WOULD YOU LIKE SIR
me: uh… that one.
bagel-dispensing teenager: ARE YOU POINTING AT THE WILD BERRY BAGEL OR THE TRIPLE CHOCOLATE CHIP BAGEL
me: itdoesn’tmatter
bagel-dispensing teenager: I’M SORRY COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN SIR
me: um… the “wild berry” bagel, then.
bagel-dispensing teenager: WILD BERRY BAGEL.
bagel-dispensing teenager: SIR WOULD YOU LIKE ONE OF OUR ARTISANAL CREAM CHEESE APPLIED TO THE BAGEL
me: fucking… no.

what is wrong with me? i’ll tell you what: i have become completely incapable of using corporation-selected names for foods. it causes me ineffable, rankling shame. and finagle a bagel is at the tame end of the spectrum, here. “wild berry bagel” is not especially cute or euphemistic. “triple chocolate chip” is needlessly superlative, but at least it has no made-up words. i can’t even walk past an IHOP without shrieking uncontrollably. why in the fuck would anyone degrade themselves by ordering a food item called a “rooty tooty fresh ‘n’ fruity?” which inane grinning diaperface in marketing was able to convince his coworkers that that was a good idea? JESUS.

it’s bad enough to live by someone else’s narrative, using someone else’s language. it is unacceptable when that language is created in complete opposition to the notion of dignity. if you can unblushingly tell a waitress—a complete stranger—that you intend to eat a thing called a “rooty tooty fresh ‘n’ fruity,” then my hat is off to you. i would sooner eat cat litter. a pint of used cat litter.

(waiters and waitresses make me nervous in general, especially at cheaper places to eat. maybe it is the same for you. “it’s honestly no problem, i can go get the food,” i want to say. “you seem really busy.”)

enough of that. we finished mixing our album yesterday, and we might be distributing it soon. stay tuned. in the meantime, if you fail to pimp strongtakes out to your friends and acquaintances, i will mail you a dead animal. ha ha! not kidding.

THE CONSUMER IS ALWAYS DEAD