perhaps this army of ents can help you redesign the mike gravel website

okay. yes. i realize my silence on a certain subject has been deafening, and it’s time to stop screwing around. without further do, here is:

A HASTILY DRAFTED GUIDE TO EXOTIC BOSTON-AREA SANDWICHES

ha ha! remember when i used to do those? man, they were great. anyway, triple psych.

—————

A HASTILY DRAFTED GUIDE TO AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
based on handy left-wing prejudices combined with no research at all

i cannot stress to you enough how little i know about these candidates.

hillary clinton
hillary clinton, or, as one of my housemates calls her, Vagina-Tor, has policies ranging from health care to the economy to some other thing. her husband bill was the president for a number of years. blah blah blah, divisive figure, yak yak yak, possible continuation of era of hysterical partisanship, etc etc etc.

here’s my litmus test: let’s say this presidential candidate were on a bike, just riding down the street. if some other biker were to zoom past them, beforehand helpfully calling “o-o-o-on your left!!!,” what would happen? i don’t want to generalize here, but every female cyclist that i have passed in that manner has calmly said “thank you” and left it at that. every dude, on the other hand, has glowered at me resentfully and, in most cases, attempted to start some shit. some shit i like to call Five-Lanes-Plus-Both-Sidewalks-Bike-Maneuver-Warfare-Game.

it is a game that usually ends in tears.

john edwards
it is customary to mock john edwards for his expensive, shimmering hair. what the fuck is wrong with spending a lot on your hair? or having a pleasant appearance? our current president has tiny beady eyes and looks like an ape-vole. that is because we completely fucked up our priorities last election. nice job, america.

anyway, john edwards is commonly classified as a populist, which means that he strives to represent the american middle class. as a group, however, the american middle class watches nascar, amasses enormous credit-card debt from buying things like doritos, and doesn’t know how apostrophes work. in other words, a vote for john edwards is a vote for john edward’s. fuck that.

rudy giuliani
i don’t want to sound biased, but if rudy giuliani doesn’t scare the hell out of you, perhaps you have a plate in your head. the man hasn’t held public office in like twenty years. he ran new york city as though it were benin. i literally can’t sleep sometimes because i think he’s going to sneak into my room, pointy teeth glistening in the starlight, and then—with his customary nightmarish banshee-shriek—appoint a deeply unqualified friend of his to a position of influence.

“why are you doing this in my bedroom,” i would say.

“why are you sleeping in the new york city mayor’s office,” he would retort.

then i would make some witty observation about the new york housing market.

um… let’s move on.

mike gravel
this guy cracks me up. i mean, his campaign strategy sessions must be spectacular:
campaign manager: all right! so let’s take a few minutes and brainstorm some
mike gravel: STARING CONTEST.
interns:
campaign manager: is that—is that an idea for
mike gravel: STARING CONTEST.
campaign manager:
intern, terrified: all right! you win! see? i’m blinki
mike gravel: ROCK-IN-POND-HEAVING CONTEST.
campaign manager: i feel like we’re getting off track here.
mike gravel, heaving a rock into a pond: MY PREFERRED CONSTITUENCY ARE THE TREES AND STONES AND BIRDS AND ACORNS
web designer, dusting off hands: okay, gravel2008.com is ready to go.
mike gravel: THE SUFFIX .US WOULD MAKE OUR WEB PRESENCE SEEM MORE LEGITIMATE.
web designer: actually, that’s the opposite of truemmMMMRPH
mike gravel: PERHAPS THIS ARMY OF ENTS CAN HELP YOU REDESIGN THE MIKE GRAVEL WEBSITE.

mike huckabee
mike huckabee. where to begin. one of his most notable accomplishments: losing 100 pounds. additionally, he functions as human testimony—as if we needed it—to the completely batshit insane importance the american electorate ascribes to being a devout christian. especially relative to, i don’t know, a working knowledge of geography. for example, mike huckabee believes that most pakistani immigrants come to the u.s. via mexico. this is like suggesting that most fans at basketball games attempt to upgrade their seats by parachuting from the catwalk. but hey—at least he’s not fat anymore!

tool.

john mccain
john mccain]’/:::::::::::::::::::??????????
um—i just wrote the words “john mccain,” then left my computer to make dinner, and when i came back, the cat had typed the rest of the above. that actually happened. i guess the cat is a democrat.
anyway, here’s my john mccain checklist:

senator of: arizona
tanned: not even a little
was tortured for years by the north vietnamese? yes
leadership qualities doubted by my girlfriend’s cat? yes

verdict: this guy is awesome.

barack obama
i know this is pretty boring, but barack obama is my favorite, and thus he shall be spared of glib mockery. instead, here is a conversation i just had with the cashier at johnnie’s foodmaster while purchasing a baguette:
cashier: oh, what’s that symbol on your shirt?
me: d’you really—my shirt?
cashier: yeah, what’s that.
me: um, it’s the hammer and sickle.
cashier:
me: the symbol of the communist party.
cashier: ohhh.
me: it’s ironic because if we were actually being governed by the communist party, they would disallow the freedom of speech necessary to wear a provocative
cashier, brightly: that’ll be two nineteen!

ron paul
oof.

thinks taxes should be abolished? yes
has vivid memories of the mckinley administration? yes
even a little bit charismatic? no

ron paul, you need to take a gander at governmentisgood.com, like, right now.

mitt romney
as with john edwards, people like to talk about how preternaturally good-looking mitt romney is. frankly, i don’t see it. he looks like a smug, coiffed wolf.

anyway, i remember mitt from when he was governor of massachusetts. what a nightmare that must have been, for a republican. the man is surely a masochist, and it does not help things that he is an adherent of the silliest religion this side of scientology. not to sound intolerant, of course. i would never want to offend my many mormon friends, for example by pointing out that mormons put the “m” in “morons.” that in no way comports with what i believe.

in conclusion: i am so stoked about this cat-typing thing. i gotta go lie down.