dr. doolittle can suck it

at around 6am every morning, i have a conversation with my girlfriend’s cat, who lives with me and whom i am definitely claiming as a dependent on my taxes. in fact, that reminds me: this year, i should probably do taxes. (ha ha! um, help.)

cat: [padding stealthily about]
me: zzzzrngh zzzzrngh zzzzrngh
cat: kerrrunch.
me: zzzzzmrgh.
cat: kerrunch krerrrrunch krerrrnch
me: MRRRRRRGH.
cat: kerrrnch kerrrrurnch kerrunch
me: NO. STOP EATING THE CARDBOARD. OH MY GOD. NO ONE THINKS THAT THE CARDBOARD IS DELICIOUS EXCEPT FOR YOU.
cat: [stares into space, agitatedly]
me, leaving bed, pouring dry food in bowl already brimming with dry food: DO YOU WANT FOOD. HERE COMES SOME STUPID FOOD. GORGGGH.
cat:
me, returning to bed: unnggrggghzzzzzzzzzrngh zzzzrngh zzzzrngh
cat:
me: zzzzrngh zzzzrngh zzzzrngh
cat: rowr
me: zzzurngh.
cat:
me:
cat: rrr… raowr.
me:
cat:
me:
cat:
me:
cat:
me:
cat: rowrr?
me: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT. WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT.
cat: cormpaniurnship
me: “companionship”?
cat:
me: IT’S LIKE SIX IN THE MORNING.
cat: [biting itself]
me: little dude. what about when i spend the day at home? and you’re all like, too cool for school? what then?
cat: [grabbing a toy mouse with its front paws and kicking it furiously with its back paws, then becoming disinterested]
me: i’m just saying. i’m the breadwinner. we can’t always just drop what we’re doing and pet the cat when the cat wants to be petted. all right?
cat: [has a boner]
me: WHAT. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT.
cat:
me: OH JESUS, THAT’S WEIRD. IT’S LIKE A WEIRD THIN MAGENTA CRAYON.
cat:
me:
cat:
me: i’m going back to sleep.
cat: raowr
me: and you are getting locked outside.
cat: [has been locked out of the bedroom]
me:
cat:
me: zzz
cat:
me: zzzzrngh zzzzrngh zzzzrngh
cat:
me: zzzzrngh zzzzrngh zzzzrngh
cat: scrrrabble
me:
cat: scrabbby scrabble
me: STOP SCRATCHING THE DOOR
cat:
me:
cat: scribby
me: here. here is a brick of the finest afghan catnip. it cost over four dollars.
cat: thrank rowr

in other words: cat for sale. look how cute he is! methadone not included. -$100 obo.